Answering Machiene Jokes
pankaj mishra Total Hits
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"This is an answering' machine, this machine is designed to take full
advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to
talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound,
and leave yer message after the beep."
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(in the voice of John McEnroe the tennis player)
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by
AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything
right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back!
BEEP.
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"This is Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
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(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel")
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to
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One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answering machine. Our chief use is to
get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message.
(damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And the
time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait
for the beep.
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Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a
second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off
music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone) OK,
sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh
huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a
message and I'll call you back.
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[In a strong Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
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Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave
a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
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"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder
why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
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"This is (your phone number). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please.
Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of glass breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
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